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CaptionCat Remembers Steve Jobs
As you know, I revealed this week that for the past ten years, Steve Jobs has been my best friend and lover. Now that I have returned from my spirit quest in Tibet at the iMonastery, I can reveal some of our secret history.
Because of his very public and outlandish successes at Apple, everyone tends to forget that most of Steve’s money came from his sale of Pixar to Disney. Now the true story of that sale can be told.
The year was 2001. I had just met Steve at the iMonastery and Monsters, Inc came out later that year — Pixar’s 4th huge hit in a row. But trouble was brewing with Disney and their CEO, Mike Eisner.
“Dude is such a freaking DOUCHEBAG,” exclaimed Steve one day as he walked through the door. I was in the kitchen making dinner.
“Who, Gates?”
“No, Eisner.”
“Yeah,” I replied, “he is a douchebag.”
Trouble in the Pixar-Disney relationship began early with the release of Toy Story 2, which Disney had originally slated for a straight-to-video release. You can imagine how Steve reacted to that. Now, a few years later, Steve was brewing up some trouble for the Maus Haus. I always like making trouble for mice. 
Steve had that twinkle in his eye, the twinkle he got when he was about to get the CEO of a huge corporation handed his walking papers. I knew then that Eisner was a dead man walking at Disney.
Cut to three years later. Pixar has had three more huge hits, surpassing $3 billion in total worldwide box office gross. The rest of Disney was in the toilet. Oh, and Pixar’s distribution deal with Disney was ending.
If there was one thing Steve loved more than he loved me, it was LEVERAGE.
One night at dinner, I laid it out for him. “Make demands, “I counseled. “Many, many demands. So many that Disney could never agree to any of them.”
“What’s the point of that, Lu?”
“Well, when Eisner doesn’t accede to your demands, you will loudly close down negotiations, but don’t even start looking for a new distributor, because the Disney Board will get the message.”
“And that message is…?”
“The message is fire Mike Eisner for gross incompetence and douchbaggery, and buy Pixar at an inflated price, so Lassiter can come in and save the animation division. Seriously, have you seen ‘Treasure Planet’?”
“No.”
“Well no one else has either, because it sucked and so do the rest of their animated movies. The Disney Board is so desperate right now, they’d even make you CEO if you wanted it.”
And then we laughed like it was our last day on earth together. Who knew we had so few left.
Well, the rest is history, as they say. My plan went off without a hitch. Eisner got canned, Steve cleared $7 billion off his original $10 million investment in Pixar (eat your heart out Lucas!), and got a spot on the Disney board. I love it when a plan comes together.

CaptionCat Remembers Steve Jobs

As you know, I revealed this week that for the past ten years, Steve Jobs has been my best friend and lover. Now that I have returned from my spirit quest in Tibet at the iMonastery, I can reveal some of our secret history.

Because of his very public and outlandish successes at Apple, everyone tends to forget that most of Steve’s money came from his sale of Pixar to Disney. Now the true story of that sale can be told.

The year was 2001. I had just met Steve at the iMonastery and Monsters, Inc came out later that year — Pixar’s 4th huge hit in a row. But trouble was brewing with Disney and their CEO, Mike Eisner.

“Dude is such a freaking DOUCHEBAG,” exclaimed Steve one day as he walked through the door. I was in the kitchen making dinner.

“Who, Gates?”

“No, Eisner.”

“Yeah,” I replied, “he is a douchebag.”

Trouble in the Pixar-Disney relationship began early with the release of Toy Story 2, which Disney had originally slated for a straight-to-video release. You can imagine how Steve reacted to that. Now, a few years later, Steve was brewing up some trouble for the Maus Haus. I always like making trouble for mice. 

Steve had that twinkle in his eye, the twinkle he got when he was about to get the CEO of a huge corporation handed his walking papers. I knew then that Eisner was a dead man walking at Disney.

Cut to three years later. Pixar has had three more huge hits, surpassing $3 billion in total worldwide box office gross. The rest of Disney was in the toilet. Oh, and Pixar’s distribution deal with Disney was ending.

If there was one thing Steve loved more than he loved me, it was LEVERAGE.

One night at dinner, I laid it out for him. “Make demands, “I counseled. “Many, many demands. So many that Disney could never agree to any of them.”

“What’s the point of that, Lu?”

“Well, when Eisner doesn’t accede to your demands, you will loudly close down negotiations, but don’t even start looking for a new distributor, because the Disney Board will get the message.”

“And that message is…?”

“The message is fire Mike Eisner for gross incompetence and douchbaggery, and buy Pixar at an inflated price, so Lassiter can come in and save the animation division. Seriously, have you seen ‘Treasure Planet’?”

“No.”

“Well no one else has either, because it sucked and so do the rest of their animated movies. The Disney Board is so desperate right now, they’d even make you CEO if you wanted it.”

And then we laughed like it was our last day on earth together. Who knew we had so few left.

Well, the rest is history, as they say. My plan went off without a hitch. Eisner got canned, Steve cleared $7 billion off his original $10 million investment in Pixar (eat your heart out Lucas!), and got a spot on the Disney board. I love it when a plan comes together.

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