CaptionCat Remembers Steve Jobs
As you know, I revealed this week that for the past ten years, Steve Jobs has been my best friend and lover. Now that I have returned from my spirit quest in Tibet at the iMonastery, I can reveal some of our secret history.
It was 2001. Times were good. The iMac and OS X had already been runaway successes to revitalize the computer division, but Steve and I wanted more. Only TOTAL #WORLDDOMINATION would do for us. The iPod was only the first step.
Originally, the iPod was going to be named the iRock, but I said, “No, Steve, this thing is going to mushroom to more than just music; we need a more general name. Music is just how we get the thing in people’s pockets. From there, we can control them.”
“How so?” asked Steve.
“Well,” I responded after licking my crotch just enough so he wouldn’t get annoyed, “first we sell them a music player, then we sell them music. Then we turn the music player into a video player and then we sell them TV and movies. Then we turn it into an e-Reader and then we sell them books and magazines. Then we own them.”
Flash forward to 2003. The iPod is the hottest gadget on the market, and it is even drawing a lot of Windows users over to the Mac. Windows is for dogs, Macs are for kittehs.
Steve asks me, “Do you think it’s time?”
“Oh, it’s time.”
“But what about the record labels, Lu?” he asked. “Won’t they kick?”
“Please. They are so mired in their own ignorance and desperation since Napster, they will view you as their savior, rather than the person coming to take away their entire distribution chain. Word.”
And then Steve laughed the laugh he did when he’s about to destroy someone else’s entire business model.
I miss his laugh.
Anyway, we launched the iTunes Store that year, and of course we now DOMINATE the music industry, as well as film, TV and publishing.